An Inspirational Story of Six Sigma Training - Brightwork Research & Analysis

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Executive Summary

Six Sigma training is so important — to ripping off companies following an evidence-free approach to quality management.
This tells one person’s story of how they became a Six Sigma guru.

Introduction

I just had by Six Sigma training called into question. And I want anyone reading this to know, and I am not having it. Even my Six Sigma is Six Sigma-ed. That is how serious about my Six Sigma.

I actually do have extensive Six Sigma training. And my training story is instructive to others. Allow me to elaborate.

A Slip on a Banana Peel Leads to Enlightenment

I originally received a 2nd-degree yellow belt in Six Sigma. While training for my purple belt, I slipped at the Six Sigma Dojo on a banana peel and broke my ankle.

Those months in recovery were difficult for me, but I soon came under the tutelage of one Mr. Miyagi.

Learning the Way of the Six Sigma

At first, I thought I was just being used for physical labor to merely wax his deck, but then I learned the wisdom of Six Sigma.

Pretty soon I was catching flies with chopsticks and I felt my power and self-mastery grow.

In addition to being trained how to tie on a Kamakizi headband, Mr. Miyagi taught me that if I could catch flies with chopsticks that applying arbitrary quality levels and pretending that Six Sigma was based upon Japanese quality philosophies (as I cover in Six Sigma Was Not Based Upon the Quality Work of Deming) would be “small potatoes,” as he put it.

I Become “The One”

My talent for Six Sigma was so apparent to everyone that I was eventually named “The One” by a man named Morpheus.

Morpheus taught me that no one could be told what Six Sigma was. That I had to experience it for myself. He also explained that most people don’t understand statistics very well, even though they take statistics in college. He said that if you repeated Six Sigma’s fake statistics and then referred to fictitious benefits at GE or Japan, people would follow me. He even said that he did this same trick on Jack Welsh, who, as I cover in Jack Welsh Did Not Understand the Math of Six Sigma, thought the math of Six Sigma went “over his head.”

This lead me to even more Six Sigma training, where I ultimately pointed my X wing to the Degobah system where I trained in Six Sigma with an old master in quality improvement called “Yoda.”

Six Sigma Training in the Degobah System

Yoda taught me humility, respect, how a single force connects all living things, and the Six Sigma shift. He also said that when people questioned me about the validity of Six Sigma, I should “Tell them that GE uses it you will.” Even though in confidence, Yoda explained that there was no evidence that GE had any higher quality than companies that did not use Six Sigma as I cover in Why Did No One Notice that GE Was Not Known For High-Quality Manufacturing?

Unfortunately my training was cut short when I found my friends, Han, Lei and Chewbacca had been captured by the Empire! (spoiler alert: I helped rescue them…but my golf game was never the same after)

When I did arrive at the City in the Clouds, I found major quality problems. The first issue is that the City in the Clouds was supposed to be a mining operation but was floating far above the ground.

I received my green belt with honors for telling them to move closer to the ground. Six Sigma forever!

Combining Six Sigma with Lean Principles

While at the City in the Clouds, I had to hide from Imperial Storm Troopers in an air vent for several days. I did not have access to food and was hence placed on a restrictive diet. This is where I learned about “Lean Six Sigma, aka Calorie Restricted Six Sigma.” Under Lean Six Sigma, the belts you have are tighened so that the pants don’t fall off.

Fighting Lord Vader…Over Defect Levels

There would be something I could never know when I began by double yellow belt training. In my attempt to apply highly unrealistic and evidence-free defect levels to a wide variety of processes I would eventually have to fight a Sith Lord Darth Vader (not once but twice!) — and then finding out he was my father was truly crushing. That was probably the hardest part.

Fighting Darth Vader was no cakewalk. But I did it….for Six Sigma. I genuinely did not want to resist him, but we could not agree on defect levels. And everyone knows if you question my arbitrary defect level, you get my lightsaber.

Vader’s Problem with the Logic for Arbitrary and Universal Defect Levels

During our lightsaber duels, Vader kept asking me to reduce my acceptable defect level to below 1 in 3.4 million, but I refused. He told me not to allow myself to be destroyed by Six Sigma as had happened to GE, and as is explained in the article Will the Decline of GE Impact the Cult of Six Sigma, but again I refused.

A Six Sigma Jedi warrior does not need to check the evidence.

We have “The Shift.” We say, “may the Shift be with you,” “or the Shift is strong with this one.”

Babbling About Six Sigma

How Many Sigmas Above the Mean (in Rational Thought)?

If the mean is a typical comment on a scale of rationality by Six Sigma commenters, I believe this story of my Six Sigma training is at least two standard deviations or sigmas above this mean. Let us add a 1.5 sigma “shift” for good measure (and for absolutely no reason — just like Six Sigma).

That puts the rationality of my story, 3.5 sigmas above the mean!

I wrote this because, looking at Six Sigma devotees’ comments, If they are not going to be bound by rational thinking, why should I be? Let us take this insane evidence-free thought to the next level. This way, we can get a group discount on psychiatry.